From Before

Its the way it ripples over my hand 

Touching so gently as it passes through

And the feel of the wind that makes it unforgettable. 

The moon paints the water like only an artist can do, 

And outlines the ocean with its magnificent light. 

I can see his face so clear

as if I could reach into the water and pull him out. 

Closing my eyes, I can feel all around me: 

The stars' warmth, the waters' fear and the sands' need to travel. 

I could only wish to feel more alive..

And oh how long it has been!

~~grb 6/7/2014 @6:46 am and completed on 6/7/2015 @6:48am. 

Trying

The night crawls over me and it's almost unbearable.

I toss and turn trying to rid the visions out of my head.

I see your face and feel your hand on mine...

it's haunting. 

The days get colder and the nights feel empty.

Moving forward seems almost impossible 

As I stand on the edge of the cliff.

Closing my eyes, I feel almost free.

Every day I try to find it...

The reason I wake up...

The reason to open my eyes

And move on with my day.

People are around me everywhere

And feeling alone should be almost impossible but it isn't.

I find my smile and a bit of my spirit

But nothing is real behind my eyes. 

I can't forget how I had it all.

I finally had everything I have been needing and wanting

but now my anger finds me in full force.

I had you...

And now you are gone.

 I need you but you are no longer here.

You were taken from me so unfairly.

And now my tears fall and I can't catch them.

I am picking up the pieces

but they are missing a huge part...

you.

~~grb 11/12/16

To Dwain with all my love, I miss you handsome.

In the Rain

It's in the song, flying off each note;

It's in every moment that you are alone in your head.

It's in the words coming off their lips...

You pretend to see through them...

But you see and feel it all over again.

Strength seemed easier a year ago

Hope seemed possible.

Faith was just another thing..

Another thing that never helped.

The emotions run deep and heavy

But you choke them back..

Choke on the tears and smile.

You are suffocating by everything that isn't 

And drowning in all that everything else is.

You say nothing because they won't understand.

They try, and they get tired so they move on.

But standing alone in the rain is where they leave you.

You could have been surrounded and still be so alone.

You missed it by miles and hours.

You close your eyes to relax..

The wind in your hair

and the rain on your face...

You hear them say they are there for you..

You remember them being there once.

You sit in the dark and hear each note..

They always say you aren't...

but you are alone.

~~grb 6/5/16

 

Dismissive

Unworthy of consideration...

Transparent in ones' thoughts.

Predictable in your reaction

But hopeless in your mind.

You scurry through your life

Believing everything will get better.

And maybe just this once it wasn't your fault.

You lay out everything in your mind

as if your laying out your church clothes..

Everything has to be in order

Nothing can be missed. 

Dismissive...

They look at you as if you were Eden;

Like a sacred fruit they dare to try.

You finding everyone's beauty 

Becomes the fault where ugliness lies. 

You find you were important for half second.

They always move on.

Transparent...

It's evident that you are there

But they begin to look through you.

You become weak when you trust first

but you will never change that.

They walk through walls in your mind

Because the pain you feel they can't even see.

You decline help or restitution

Because your walls are always up. 

Predictable...

They know you will take two steps and then stop

They know that only half your food will be eaten

And that the four books started will never be finished.

They know you show up early and always leave late.

You are predictable..and they feed off of it.

Dismissive, Transparent, Predictable...

You know you will never change.

They will come and go as years go by

And you will disappear from their thoughts.

In time noone will remember how passionate you were

How amazing you could love and be loved

They will forget that you had pain that noone else could feel

That the tears behind your eyes were anything but transparent.

Don't dismiss me.

Please see me.

Help me make the same two steps.

Now step back...

Unworthy of consideration,  your heart slowly stops.

Transparent to the ones who mattered...they clearly did not. 

Predictable in the life you live and the steps you take...

Do not dismiss me. 

I am a cannon ball..

I can be deadly and I will not break.

~~grb 04/28/16

"When noone notices, I will be right there."-grb

Two steps back...

It was a breeze of the wind that came over me

And with a chill down my spine, goosebumps appeared.

I knew what I was doing but I just couldn't breathe.

It was only 10 more steps and then...I would be free.

It was a chain reaction to one thing I had done

or perhaps one thing I could not let go.

I find myself in predicaments that could destroy my character

I have been called a lot of things, but self-destructive has always set true.

Let's break this down...

I carry myself with pride

Self-esteem pouring out 

My confidence held high

but my mind wonders about.

I trash my spirit wondering

why others always leave

Depending on another 

Wondering why I can't breathe. 

To ease the pain and slow the tears

I grab the glass half full 

It isn't what you think..

It's half full of vodka, ready to go.

I put myself in situations

where I just lose control.

Living in the moment

isn't always the way to go.

Take two steps back for every step forward

That's how it always seems to be.

They say love big and dream bigger

But the dreams never become reality. 

It was the breeze in the wind that came over me

like a bulldozer tearing down a building.

A chain reaction to something I had tried to let go;

I knew what I was doing but I went with the flow...

~~grb

In the Patterns

The patterns on the window shield me from the light.

I gazed upon the window pane and prayed for it to be night.

Each piece of the little artwork carried pain deep in my soul;

Each tiny little marking would never let me go.

As I pack up some of my belongings

And box up some of his. 

I stare back at the window

To see what will come of this. 

I had buried myself in the shadows trying to figure out what to do.

I had hid my heart in the darkness and acted like I knew

That the past lies in the patterns that lay upon the glass;

One tiny rock could shatter every ounce of the forbidden past. 

I never pretended to notice that the outlines were made in blood

And that every part of the shading was life just covered up.

I never thought the ending could ever be so clear

Until I noticed the shadows holding all my fear.

The patterns on  the window shielded me from the light;

And gazing upon the distant moon, I failed in my fight. 

Each piece of the little artwork that laid deep in my soul

With every tiny making that would never let me go.

~~grb  4/13/16

Trying to move forward

The quiet surrounds me as I sit here.

I don't remember the last time I felt this calm. 

I feel him with me though I can't see him

And closing my eyes, he engolfs me in his warmth. 

I have spent nights crying and days pretending 

That I was gonna be okay. 

Then I wake this morning to the birds and the sun

And realize it doesn't matter if I am okay. 

You see, I'm alive. 

That is the gift we are given when our loved ones

Are taken from us. 

Whether we like it or not, 

We still breathe in their absence. 

We are told when we are young that we have choices. 

We are not informed how limited our choices really are. 

I choose to keep him...

I choose to be dancing in the rain with him. 

I choose...

So you see, it doesn't matter my choice 

Nor does it matter if I'm okay. 

All that matters is that I stay breathing

Continuing to miss him everyday. 

~~grb 3/2016~~
(This picture was taken in 2015 in Disney World by Dwain Harris)

Like a punch in the face

It's like a punch in the face

With blood vessels exploding

Filling that space 

Where emptiness is imploding.

It's tearing me down 

And destroying the flower

That bloomed with a smile

But died by the hour.

The feel of the hit is of nothing that mattered; 

It was the fist to face contact that left me staggered

And pushing down people as I went by

Not caring, not feeling... Like a lifeless high. 

Boiling blood under skin that stays scarred

His face is remembered but his voice is to hard

To hear in the background of the voices in my head

To know what he is saying as his tears are shed. 

He is a ghost with a mission that just isn't me

He has come to terms with staying for eternity

Though my heart is pumping, my body is jumping

In circles around what should have been him...

It's a hand to the chin that he delicately held 

With no question, no motive, just all that he felt. 

He left this world with his heart filled with calmness

Leaving the anger to fester in my heart's fondness

Of the life that he kept and the dreams that he shared.

I stare at that water with 4 years worth of fear. 

Taunting me, stabbing me, watching me fall 

Like a delicate flower thrown over the wall. 

It's like a punch in the face while my head is held firm

The pain to my neck was a terrible burn 

Down my spine that he touched and life that he loved...

Missing his hand in my hand and his lips upon mine

I wake to my heart thumping way out of line

Like something had grabbed it and pulled it with pain

I close my eyes just to feel it again. 

~~grb 3/1/16

Walking Time Bomb

 

I tried to hold the water

but it kept slipping through my hand.

I tried to laugh and smile

but I can no longer pretend.

My heart is freezing up

My emotions are out of control...

My body is a zombie  

And my anger consumes my soul.

I am a walking time bomb

Whose clock is winding down.

I don't know how much more I can take

before I blow this town.

I sit here on my porch

wasting time that could be spent

living life and dreaming

yet I can't get off the bench.

My body is just dragging

and I'm pulling it along;

my brain can barely handle 

the weight of playing strong. 

I close my eyes to see you

And I crumble to the floor!

I can never call you,

Never hear you on the other side of the phone.

I lay here in my closet

where the walls make me feel safe

My tears are falling silently

but nothing fills that empty space.

My anger starts to boil

I can feel it burn under my skin 

And I just want to scream and punch

every single thing. 

I am a walking time bomb

Whose clock is winding down

I don't know how much more I can take

before I blow this town.

 

~~grb  2/25/2016

Rest your soul

I am suppose to say goodbye today 

And lay your soul to rest.

I am suppose to dance and laugh today 

But I may fail the test. 

I am suppose to smile and remember you

With all the good memories in our past

And move forward through the day

Forgetting that my heart is very sad.  

All these things I am suppose to do

Because that is what you asked for 

But all I really want to do 

Is cry here on my closet floor. 

I am suppose to say goodbye to you 

And lay your soul to rest.

But my heart is broken and very lost

because you were the very best. 

~~grb. 2/21/2017~~ 

The Color Blue

I dare to say, I had this dream, but more a flashback there of you. 

You were almost asleep, your body hurt 

but you  wanted to discuss the color blue...

I feel the color blue is warmth

That resonated from your beautiful eyes. 

It's the color of the sky 

That warmed your heart 

And made you smile. 

It is the color of the ocean

That we travelled through to see

the amazing island, Castaway Cay,  

as you loved everything Disney. 

It is your hand holding mine

Your heart beating in your chest 

It is the laughter that you had 

When your mind was thinking its best. 

I can go all day discussing 

what I feel is the color blue

I know you wanted to discuss it, 

But baby,  It is best described as you. 

~~grb. 2016

Sent from my iPhone

I miss him

the little things are missing

i can feel them coming for me

the memories of life and love...

So alive deep in his eyes.

I will never catch up to him..

Somewhere in his mind he is doing it..

Doing everything on his own

His body can't move much in reality

But he is 5 steps ahead of me in his head.

Overpowering are his eyes

Comforting were once his arms...

Now I touch him and it hurts him.

His embrace was always so strong..

He always held tight and made me feel safe...

I miss his touch,

His kiss, his words.

I miss his hugs, his laughter,

His random thoughts..

I miss his love.

If you look deep enough in his eyes

you will see him running...

running on the beach as free as a bird.

I want to be with him in his head

Where I can hold his hand, touch his face

Hear his heartbeat as I lay my head on his chest.  

I miss him more when I am with him

But to be with him, I wouldn't change a thing.

~~grb   1/25/16~~ 

To DWH

I miss you

It was gonna be a good day as I was on my way to see you.

But then I remembered that I could only look up. 

It was gonna be a good day...it was gonna be a good day.

I have had years of bad dreams and plenty on my mind

I did what I had to and stayed between the lines.

I thought waking up today was gonna be easier...

It was gonna be a good day...it was gonna be just fine.

When the tear rolled down and the heat sunk in

I stared out the window and found my pain again.

I can't close my eyes without hearing you.

I can't turn up the music enough not to see you.

It was gonna be a good day...it was gonna be just fine. 

I laid on the bed and I could smell you. 

I put on my clothes and I could feel you.

I looked in the mirror and you were smiling back at me.

Another tear fell down.

 It was gonna be a rough day. 

I know I am gonna make it and it is gonna be hard.

I know I can live again but I won't feel complete.

They say that he took you because he had a plan. 

I think that's crap and just don't understand.

It's gonna be a rough day...it's gonna be hard.

I just want to sleep away my pain.

When I open my eyes I won't see you again. 

So if I cry in spurts and yell in rage

If I fall down and fall into a haze.

If I crumble in tears and can't get out of bed,

I will be okay, is what you always said. 

It was gonna be a good day, I was gonna see you.

It was gonna be a rough day, as I already knew.

It was gonna be a good day as I hold you in my heart. 

It has to be a good day but I don't know where to start. 

I miss you.

~~grb  2015~~

For You

Wiping a tear from my eyes never seemed so hard before. 

Eating and drinking in my life never used to feel like a chore. 

I playback my memories and a smile crosses my face. 

But when I play into my future, I see an empty space. 

It's like I'm living in one world while my heart is somewhere else. 

I try to pretend that I'm doing ok but I'm lying to myself. 

My heart is very heavy and sometimes hard to carry

I play it off like I'm happy but inside it's pretty scary. 

I want to lay down beside you, 

Hear your heart beat close to my ear. 

I want to hold you so tightly

Until all of your pain disappears. 

I want to stare into your eyes

And tell you how I love you,

And kiss your lips 

For as long as you so choose. 

I remember once I asked you if maybe I could keep you. 

You smiled at me and said "of course, if you really want to."

I remember it like yesterday, the first time you made me laugh

Or even that you never, ever made me mad. 

I want to hold your hand as we may fall asleep

I want to feel your skin warm and close to me. 

I want to wake up tomorrow and find it was a bad dream

That you will still be here, never leaving me. 

I will not cry my saddest tears on that final day.

My gift to you will be the hardest thing I can do. 

I will smile, laugh and carry on

To celebrate the beautiful gift that is you. 

~~grb  1/28/16

To Dwain, with all my love.