Trying to move forward

The quiet surrounds me as I sit here.

I don't remember the last time I felt this calm. 

I feel him with me though I can't see him

And closing my eyes, he engolfs me in his warmth. 

I have spent nights crying and days pretending 

That I was gonna be okay. 

Then I wake this morning to the birds and the sun

And realize it doesn't matter if I am okay. 

You see, I'm alive. 

That is the gift we are given when our loved ones

Are taken from us. 

Whether we like it or not, 

We still breathe in their absence. 

We are told when we are young that we have choices. 

We are not informed how limited our choices really are. 

I choose to keep him...

I choose to be dancing in the rain with him. 

I choose...

So you see, it doesn't matter my choice 

Nor does it matter if I'm okay. 

All that matters is that I stay breathing

Continuing to miss him everyday. 

~~grb 3/2016~~
(This picture was taken in 2015 in Disney World by Dwain Harris)

Like a punch in the face

It's like a punch in the face

With blood vessels exploding

Filling that space 

Where emptiness is imploding.

It's tearing me down 

And destroying the flower

That bloomed with a smile

But died by the hour.

The feel of the hit is of nothing that mattered; 

It was the fist to face contact that left me staggered

And pushing down people as I went by

Not caring, not feeling... Like a lifeless high. 

Boiling blood under skin that stays scarred

His face is remembered but his voice is to hard

To hear in the background of the voices in my head

To know what he is saying as his tears are shed. 

He is a ghost with a mission that just isn't me

He has come to terms with staying for eternity

Though my heart is pumping, my body is jumping

In circles around what should have been him...

It's a hand to the chin that he delicately held 

With no question, no motive, just all that he felt. 

He left this world with his heart filled with calmness

Leaving the anger to fester in my heart's fondness

Of the life that he kept and the dreams that he shared.

I stare at that water with 4 years worth of fear. 

Taunting me, stabbing me, watching me fall 

Like a delicate flower thrown over the wall. 

It's like a punch in the face while my head is held firm

The pain to my neck was a terrible burn 

Down my spine that he touched and life that he loved...

Missing his hand in my hand and his lips upon mine

I wake to my heart thumping way out of line

Like something had grabbed it and pulled it with pain

I close my eyes just to feel it again. 

~~grb 3/1/16