Under The Sun

The sun came up and I realized I was still awake
The gentle rays of the sun streamed through my blinds
And I was suddenly full of warmth.
I decided to sit outside and take it in...
And I took in more......not always good.

My mind felt like it was gonna explode
'Things in my life I have done and those I haven't
Things I have said...things I haven't.
Trying to fill voids by staying busy, being social...
Trying to fill the spaces.

Life gets overwhelming
Memories, some haunting
Dreams become mesmerizing
The days just seem long.


The sun seems warm on my face and I have decided
That I am done....
I am done going through life just to get to tomorrow.
I am done explaining my actions for what I have not done yet
And trying to figure why I have done what I have. 


I need to look at the world differently...see more than just today
The sun feels warm on my skin, fresh to my body
I can feel whole without even breathing.
I want to live under the sun for the rest of my life.


~~grb 2011~~

To Be Fearless

Perhaps my drug of choice...
My poison...My love.
I am set in my ways...in my decision
But a piece of me
Feels wrong.
Haunted by memories..
Some good, some bad.
But there are the ones that outweigh the rest.
The words on the paper...
The ink that wrote them..
The hand that held the pen...
The hand attached to the arm, to the body...
To the heart of one so in love.
The words that stretched across the page...
The page that touched the hand...
The hand that received the paper
That was attached to a heart of one so in love.
Or the touch..followed by the words
 that filled the mind and soul of one so eager...
So eager to be everything he wants..but can't.
She couldn't find her way back..
She couldn't find the path...it was so dark.
There is a such thing as too late and not better than never.
It is the time that would confuse one even more.
It is a time to choose to not be selfish...to let them go.
Letting go....even when you are so not ready.
It is the time of fear...
The fear of never touching them,
Kissing them....holding them...looking in their eyes.
It is sad, scary and hard.


When will you know what is right?


Perhaps my drug of choice...
My poison...but still, my non regretted love.


~~grb~~

In Prayer

Lord, give me something...I need something...to ease my mind.

Lord, help me breathe..I need to breathe...I keep tryin.

Everywhere I go I feel it follow....and I fall unto my knees

Everywhere I look I know its there....and its hard for me to breathe.

Can you help me lessen the anger and the pain that I still hold?

Can you give me strength to carry myself across the threshold?

I had seen him standing there and tried wishing him away...

but then I remembered how much I wished that he would stay.

So many nights I laid there with nothing on my mind...

Just stared into the darkness wishing away the light.

Now I hear him talk to me but I am just an ear

I hear it all, I have heard it before, yet this time it was clear.

It sunk into me...drowning me...suffocating me with every drop

I get it, I see it, but I wish for it to stop.

It stops when I get things done and keep on moving forward

But it still hurts, and I caused it and it's my fault that I'm torn.

The words move me like songs and I remember every detail

Where I was,what I was doing, and the death of a fairytale.

I sit here feeling petty, selfish and plain sad...

Missing all the laughter and smiles we once had.

Lord, I am not asking you to fix my life 

Or grant me a single wish

I am not on my knees begging you

For answers you cannot give.

I am simply asking for your arms

To hold me very tight

To strengthen me, love me, guide me

And direct me into the way that is right.

~~grb 2011~~

The Music of the Opera

                                      

                                   

                          I meant to be sleeping...                              

I tried, I did

But I once meant to be happy,

I tried...or I didn't.

I smile as I sit here typing these lines.

I can't help but find the funny in it.

I feel real...I feel human.

I feel like a woman in some crazy world.

A world that excites me, drives me to the limit

A world that confuses me and drives me crazy.

I find myself thinking and dreaming again...

I don't know if this is happy...its not contentment

Because I want more.

I woke up this morning knowing the day would suck...

Yet I smiled because the sun was out...

The day had begun when I woke up.

I sit here when I should be sleeping

I type when I can't stop thinking

I listen when I get tired of hearing

I feel when I crave the need

I tire when the world goes crashing...

It's like my own little opera...

I can hear the beauty of the music...

The falsetto...the exquisite sound of music...

I sit here and let my fingers do my talking

Let my mind run rampant and my heart flutter

I sit here remembering the touch and feel of soft hands

The tenderness of loving lips

And the beauty of soft skin.

I choose to remember the good to erase my bad heart

I feel empty at times and lonely as hell

But I soon shall find my filling...my dry putty to the emptiness.

Then soon the paint will follow and cover in beauty.

I will remember this moment and only think this:

The music held high and the notes tickled my spine.

The laughter that held me heavy so many times before

Felt lighter than anything

As the highest pitch was sang with perfection

I smiled and felt the warmth...a warmth that just covered me.

Sometimes I find myself  on the stage in my dreams...

I find my opera....

I find myself.

~~grb 2011~~

To Continue...

Faded, Tainted, A memory

A memory just lying around collecting dust.

Transparent, Incoherent, A dime a dozen

A dozen of particles meaning nothing.

The irony in it all...in life itself.

It was a dream I awoke to

An endless nightmare, I should say.

It was the pain in my head

The hurt in my heart

And draining of my fear.

The world has its colors and shapes

It has its beauty and its ugliness..

but when you don't know where you fit in that...

You feel isolated, shattered, detached.

At one time, something can seem so beautiful

Perfect in its own way...

Even the flaws and annoyances are comforting.

Then time passes and those things...

Well, they become just flaws and annoyances...

The irritations that lead to anger and distrust.

Those things that you kept close to your heart

That you put your everything into...

Is gone in seconds.

You live your life holding things close

Praying to one you can't see...

Faith in something that no one can prove

but it helps you...it guides you...

The things we do that don't make sense...

The gut feelings we ignore in the need of happiness

The fools we become when we stay true to love

And the depths we cross to find something that doesn't exist.

Can be our ultimate demise.

Kinda funny, isn't it?

In some "the world is playing a joke on me" kinda way?

I will laugh today at my emptiness...

My solitude and my lonely heart...

I will smile at those I know won't be there forever

And faith in one I cannot see.

I will dream of love and life that won't come true

I will be a fool to someone I care to love

I will lay in bed and dream of tomorrow that may not come....

But I will live....and I will smile...and I will laugh....

Because what else do I have to do?

~~grb~~2011

Just Dig

Grabbed the shovel....

"just dig, just dig"

Where to?

til you can't no more...

Dirt flying

Tears falling

Pain suffocating

"just dig"

the adrenaline pumping

arms tiring

eyes exhausted

mind still running

"Just dig."

The voice seemed loud in my head.

Pain evolved in to anger

The anger evolved in sadness

The sadness evolved into tears...

The tears hit the bottom

And in the bottom..there it was...

The end to all the shit of life.

``grb``2011

Unobtrusive

The leaf falls

detaching from its world,

From what keeps it alive

It drifts through the air

softly hitting the ground

As I watch.

Not a moment passes

where it doesn't remember the feeling...

the feeling of belonging to something so big...

bigger than itself.

The choice wasn't owned;

it wasn't really a choice..

not of its own.

The sun comes and goes

And the leaf just lays there...

Untouched, unnoticed,

Just lays there...

The silence of midnight

Ringing through the air

The leaf lays breathing...

a paradox in its own.

Detached

Alone

Silent.

It disappears in the night...

unnoticed.

 ~~grb~~11/2011~~

The Last Brick to Fall

It was the last brick..the stepping stone even;
The final weight to let go of.
It was the pain, the hurt and the omission..
It was the lie that needed to be stopped.

I wanted it to be different....
I needed some more time...
We needed more time
but the brick dropped and it fell hard.

There is a place on my shoulder that holds a spot
A spot that once held the heaviness I was willing to bare forever..
It held the weight that my shoulders could not take.
That weight that left the outline; the indentation like it would leave in the dirt.

I tried to close my eyes and imagine anything,
Just anything that could ease my heart
Yet, here I am, writing and  trying to make sense 
of something that almost makes no sense at all.

There is an indentation on my shoulders
An outline where the pain once held
I almost want to pick it up and put it back...
The weight almost felt better than feeling the loss.

For what I know and for what I don't
For how I feel and for how I think
For every smile and every tear,
There is a brick...just waiting to fall.

~~gloria rose bond~~2011~~

In the Depths

12 ft under lies the pain

6 ft above are the voices...

They never do calm.

The winds shift, it seems,

In the right direction..

However, it hits harder

than expected.

The night drifted away from me

As I carefully laid my head down.

I am yet to feel like I have before...

I am yet to feel...

I laid there debating on sleep

But I laid there...

I laid there alone.

At times, comfort and familiarity

seems needed...

but it also seems wrong.

But also seemed like love.

I can't heal his heart

I can't numb his pain

I can't help him.

I can breathe,

I can smile

I can keep looking forward...

It's what I know how to do.

~~grb~~

2011

Wake Up

Concealed in my mind, I share nothing.
Buried in my heart, I keep it locked.
Just listen....

Do you feel me?
Hear me? See me?
Do you feel sad?
Feel mad? Feel glad?

Is it what you realized
Or were you hypnotized
By the fantasy or is it reality
Staring you in the eyes?

Were you taken by
The beautiful smiles
That in their decieving ways
Put you in a haze?

Do you hear the bells ringing
While the night is singing
Your life away?

Do you hear it?

Maybe you realized
That you were hypnotized
And after all the lies
Only tears were in your eyes.


~~grb~~
   11/2011

Hour Glass

Lemon Rain
Burning like acid on my face
Dropping down
Hitting me like volcanic flames.
Piercing my side
Feeling it in my gut
Fogging my mind
Like an infected cut.
Running from the army
That's carrying the storm
Tumbeling through the lightening
Looking for the norm.
Terrifying feelings
Of it all closing in...
Suffocating, strangeling
The lights are going dim.
Drifiting through the danger
That's clouding up my mind
Dropping through the abyss...
Falling out of time.

~~grb 2011~~

IMMORTAL ILLUSION

It was the illusion of things being perfect

It was the reality in my head that was ultimately fantasy

It was a danger sign I pushed aside...

It had severe repercussions.

It felt like one of the longest days;

A day that should have been happy

But I just couldn't grasp it in my hands.

It should have been a lot of things.

It didn't seem right to smile or cheer a victory;

A victory I used to see as a challenge...

Now it is a loss....a heartache that is unfixable.

I had crashed, I had burned in my own flames.

I had laid myself across the stones

Of an obtenebrated burning fire.

I had fallen into another world

A world I couldn't distinguish the two...

Was it reality? Or just another Illusion?

~~grb 10/17/2011~~

Entrapment of the Mind

It was a new image burning in my head

Longing for the old to leave.

It was a new feeling beating on my heart

Tempting the old to evaporate.

Tempting, it is, to lay desolate and kind.

I try to fight the urgency to flee;

How can you sit back and smirk,

Nodding as if you know...

You don't know.

I tried, I did but there was no going back.

I demanded to feel different,

I pleaded to feel anything but what I felt...

No mercy was given.

I lye in bed for hours...

Contemplating my decisions...

Weighing my options...

Determining my fate..

And for what?

I have seen the pages, the pictures...

The feeling of being pushed away...

Being transparent is how it makes me feel.

Alone...as if in those pages I do not exist.

Is this the chosen path?

Or given without request?

I ponder my heart's thoughts and my mind's confusion...

I drop a tear for every hurt and another for every love in my heart.

I sit for hours trying not to feel...but I just do.

I have faded in one's eyes and I push to be noticed...

Yet I know not where I should be...

I have asked the questions and gained advice...

No answers have I heard.

I see the pages in my mind...

I move the pictures but they return...

I pulled the bandage off and let it all bleed...

Yet I still fade so effortlessly.

grb--2011

Faded like a Photograph

The picture held a tree...

Not just any tree, but THE tree.

It held the house with many windows

And the sky with many colors.

The smile on their face seemed genuine;

He was holding her in his arms

and she was leaning closely against him....

Beautiful!

The picture held the all moments--

It was the soul to the memory...

and the memory of the heart.

Purely hard to miss.

Then the picture faded...

the ink lightened, and it slipped away....

She tried to remember his touch,

Tried to remember his voice....

But the picture didn't hold that....

And neither did her mind.

She closed her eyes and felt the tears drop to the depths of her soul...

And watched it all fade until it slowly disappeared.

--grb  2011--

Lil Monkey

The softness in his eyes melted my heart
His endless smile and beautiful mind
Captivated my soul.

His hands were small but strong
His smile was beautiful to a fault.
His laugh could lighten my world.

He would challenge me to better myself
He would push me to my limit
And would always make me feel better.

I watch him grow up now and my heart is warm.
He still fills that part of me that loves so strongly.
He is my reason for waking up and daring life to get me.
He has taught me unconditional love

And that noone is more important.

I watch him now, laughing it up on the phone
And I remember his first laugh, his first tears,
And his first "love you".
I remember his first everything.

I realize that he will not always be an arm length away
And that each hug is always the best hug ever.
I know he will leave me one day
But he will always be lil monkey

~~grb 2011~~
to my son

Catacombs of Naked Dreams

Combing through the naked catacombs
Of past heartbreaks and skeleton bones..
Can you hear me?

Running through the barren trees
I swear I hear the roaring seas and feel...
You can't hear me.

As I tell you of my dreadful dreams,
Selfish times and lonely things I feel...
Will you listen?

Every inch of every day that overtakes me
Hoping for something it's not
Reaching out for anything
Hurting with each dangerous thought.

The desolate area in which I may escape
Comes with whispers of weakness I can not erase.
I wonder the corridors that I have a made...
To feel the beauty of feeling safe.

And though it seems like a labrynth I walk
I follow the catacombs to where they drop
And find the beauty I had longed to see
Staring right in front of me.

And she whispered. "I hear you."

~~grb  2011  (revision of the original done 7/22/2007~~)

No Vindication

Is it evident that denial was in the cards for you?

Shifting in your seat like your on edge.

Has your conscience got the best of you?

Sweat just pouring, dripping out of your head.

No vindication here...step away

I warned you what would happen...

Should have thought of it yesterday.

I need this space just like you needed to go

I need these days to heal my mind

As I heard the trees moving in the wind

I prayed to lose all track of time.

Fallen into quick sand,

No way to get out...

Wait..Do you hear that?

The rantings in your heart of doubt?

It was a warning you got some time ago

You should have listened and now you know.

The world is closing in on you

You won't admit that you are scared too.

Isn't it evident that denial is in the cards?

Perhaps you will find the truth in your heart of hearts.

~~grb  2011~~

The Simple Things

It's the constants in our life that we usually take for granted.
It's the need to have more, want more, want better
That can make us lose focus on the simple things in life.
The simple things....

I look around at the sky above me;
The beauty of the colors that seem to hold
it together.
I see the small shiny dots that are said to be quite large
And hear the crickets playing their sweet music.

These are the simple things I have never taken for granted.
Out of everything in my life, that is what I never took for granted.
It amazes me that I have overlooked everything else
as this, in a selfish way, keeps me reminded to breathe...
to live.

~~grb 2011~~

Freedom Prints

  

 Hard footsteps to follow in

even more to follow at all sometimes.

They are the footprints of a woman

A strong, beautiful woman.

Footsteps to each woman in my life

That carries my weight when I can not.

Each have a color in which I give them.

Orange is the relaxation and love for life;

In her footsteps I shall never tire.

Pink is a beautiful brightness;

In her footsteps I shall never be blind.

Silver is for strength and heart;

In her footsteps I shall never be weak.

Purple is warmth and beauty of the heart;

In her footsteps I shall always love whole-heartedly.

Blue is for the endless calm and beautiful outlook on life.

In her footsteps I shall remember life is good.

Teal is for the laughter on a grey day and smiles of sunshine;

In her footsteps I will remember to always breathe.

Pewter is for confidence and coolness;

In her footsteps I shall always keep my head high.

Black is for what we can't see;

Those are my footsteps and they remind me to live my life,

To dream to the fullest.

I will walk in any one of those girls footsteps.

They are our freedom prints.

--grb 9/28/2011--

Blindsided

The particles on the jacket

The scent on the sleeve

The red stain on the collar

The irritating need...

To know.

The fear in the eyes,

The bruise around the cheek and lid,

The swelling of the lip,

The sadness with concern...

Of why?

All the things we observe

Things that have nothing to do with us

The need to help placed in front

Of our underlying curiousity

We "must" know.

We observe others,

We judge others,

We "know" others,

We ignore our own pain

Our own deciet, betrayal

We see all the signs

Yet deny it by having to be

In the know of someone elses life.

While worrying about everyone else

We get hit like a rock that we didn't even see coming.

--grb 2011)

Removing the Mask

Dress came on, the shoes were placed

The necklace dangled above her breast

The lace gloves covered her hand almost to her fingertips

Just enough to show her beautiful fingers.

This wasn't her.

He pulled the jeans up, buttoned his shirt

He put on his chaps and tied his boots.

He wasn't anything close to the person he saw in the mirror.

Even the bandana couldn't fix it.

This wasn't him.

Everyday is another charade;

Another dress up like Halloween.

There is no telling how long the make-up stays,

When the mask will finally come off

And reveal who you really are.

Everyday I wonder if I twist myself into something...

Anything to not feel what I feel...

And then it comes to me..

And I go to it...

I held my shoes in my hand, 

The sand was warm and nice on my feet.

I removed my shirt, my pants, my everything..

I threw my shoes and felt the water overtake me.

I wiped the make-up off my face.

And I swam...

Hi, This is me.

--grb--9/2011

Skyscraper

The winds are shifting
Smashing through the trees
I can feel it.

The pain in the pit of my stomach
My nerves eager yet scared..
I could do without it.

Looking up as the clouds race by
Tumbling fast like acrobatics flinging through the air
I am preparing for the storm.

When the sky falls, I hope to be left standing.
When the flood attempts to overtake me, I plan to hear angels sing.
When the world feels though it is closing in on me,
Only one tear shall fall and pass my smiling lips...

I will not allow myself to be defeated.
I will not allow myself to be torn down...
I am not glass, nor paper..
I am not yet steel but I am on my way.

Like a skyscraper!

grb

In The Game

Timing is what is needed...
I feel the metal in my my hand
Timing, distance..measuring it with my eyes...
I pull the bat up, see the ball...swing...nice hit.


If only life could be measured the same way.
I am told it can..I guess I need more practice.


If  only my mind could work off the field...
If only my focus could zero in on the task at hand.
But my decision should be clear..
Have to focus in order to get what I want.


Legs moving, trying not to stumble..
First base, second base,....
Lost focus....quick slide...
Not quick enough...yet still feeling fulfilled.


Shake it off...take the field.


Eyes open, must keep focus...
I can feel the leather in my hand...
Watching it close in on my space...
Glove up, open, ball in, right hand covers...nice.


Timing can be everything...
Sometimes playing the game is all I need.


grb
2011

Like a Ton of Bricks

Determined to make right of what went wrong

Exhausting the very molecules in your brain

Tired of the same thoughts, same things all the time.

Now what?

It's dangerous to be left alone with yourself and your thoughts.

That is when you have to face your worst demons.

It is the time you have to sit and deal with your life choices,

Decisions and actions.

It can be the scariest, most unexpected moment in time.

You thought you were prepared, knew better,

Was ready for it all...

Yet it still hits you like a ton of bricks.

You try to play it off, cool, collected...good.

But you are dying inside and wait for all to leave just to cry.

You're tired of talking, sharing your feelings...

Tired of wondering why not one person tells you to shut up.

You are told you need to, that it helps...

So why do you still feel the same?

grb 9/2011

Feeling His Rhythm

Tap tap tap..rain falling on the window pain.
Boom boom boom...the bass rises from the radio.
His head moves with the beat
His feet feeling the rhythm as he taps against the floor...
Tap tap tap...its on.

Music made from everything around you;
A motorcycle driving by with a roar
A washer machine slightly unbalanced
Chimes hanging in the wind...
Making beauty.

I sit outside and close my eyes
It's exhilarating to see without your eyes.
Imagining where every noise comes from;
twisting it, turning it into something remarkable.

Tap, tap,tap, tappity tap tap....
Knock, knock, knock...
Let the rain fall, let the woodpecker peck,
Ching chang, ding ding,
Bring the wind blowing through...

He was making his music out of life.
I can feel that...feel his rhythm...
There I go...tappin my feet, moving to life...
Making something beautiful!

grb--9/2011

The Irony In My Head

I was unaware of the intellectual hold one can have on another.
This was not a person, but an idea that held with force.
I was young, naive and perpetually drawn to anything outside of reality.
I stared off for days, hours, lost in this idea of what my life would be.
Times that felt sacred to me made no sense to others.
I felt odd, out of place, but always played out with a smile and a laugh.
Always nervous of what people would think if they knew what went on in my head.

One day, I just felt full of self-esteem...
Full of a desire to go for more and yet need less...
Yes, it's a weird mixture; a set of words that when put together make you think.
Alot of what I would write or say ran on emotion,
Not much rationality nor thought at all.
But anything real to the heart is spoken with emotion.
So does a rational thought really play in here?
Perhaps.
But maybe I am rambling or maybe this is what I feared people know...

This is who I am.
I make sense in my mind and little to others.
I can't change how this is, how I feel, or who I am.
I can change my thought process, but why?

Do I leave you wondering what was the intellectual hold?

Well, you are right, that is how I leave it. :)

~~grb 9/5/11~~

In Her Eyes

Just walk away

Turn your back again

There’s no determining where this will end.

Be on your way

Watching the back of you

Walking right on through that door

She thought,”I shouldn’t be

Used to anything like it is

But here I am

Wondering if I asked for this.”

Turn away

Keep on walking down that road

There’s only a glimpse

Of what could have been for sure.

Just keep on walking down the road

Your mind was made up a long time ago.

You grabbed your bag, and your carry on

You disappeared for so very long.

But you left your love in her heart

She wasn’t sure just why

But she watched you walk out that door

And swore she wouldn’t cry.

dedicated to my anonymous friend--grb  9/11

Night Thoughts

There was a time when I felt safe and sound.A time when I could sleep like a baby.
I use to think that all my dreams were just that..dreams.
I only now have realized they are not just that...
They have either happened, may happen or will happen.

There was a time when I thought I had all the answers;
I thought I had my life figured out.
I remember having future daydreams of what life would be
And dreams at night that felt whole and real.

I was innocent, naive and full of life.
I was forgiving, loving and understandable.
I don't feel I have changed that much...
But I'm definitely a lot more alert.

I don't long for the past or the need that I had for life.
I have a new need for life..love and happiness.
I have a higher standard for myself and what I need.
I will never love less due to the past
And I will never neglect my heart.

I am just breathing different a little now...
I am smiling and breathing. 
And I love my life!

grb
8/11

Taste of Life

I'm tearing the walls down...

I'm painting the sky a purple cream.

I'm shoving my way through...

I'm moving myself on through the scene.

So come and get me!

I'm laying the ground down...

I'll keep on walking through the stares.

I'm designing my own life..

I'm my own judge and I don't care.

You can say what you want to say

Try to make me feel a certain way

But I'm not falling for the games

No foolin me, I am not ashamed. 

I'm busting the windows down...

Gonna let the wind blow through my hair.

I'm gonna swim straight to Jamaica

And I will smile all the way there.

I'm tearing the walls down...

I'm painting the sky a purple cream.

I'm shoving my way through...

Until all you see is me. 

So come and get me!

grb 8/11