Cheers to the New Year!

Everything seems to fold up nicely

As you place it all in the box.

As you place the lids, 

You wish quietly to pack up some memories too...

To leave it all in the year before. 

Sometimes all you need is a clean slate...

So clean you feel like a brand new person.

One can dream...

The new  year is celebrated like a life...

As if a hero had passed and came back from the dead. 

All these years I was sad to be alone on this night..

Upset if I didn't have someone or the one at midnight.

But nothing ever happens whether you do or don't.

Yet we all want it.

The new year means we made it.

It means sticks and stones may hurt us,

But here we are breathing another day.

It makes everything seem so petty. 

I cheers tonight to those who are no longer. 

I cheers tonight to those that can't cheers,

To those that are missing someone they will never hold again.

Tonight I cheers to those who have lost 

And to those who look down upon us. 

Tonight, I lift my glass  and say:

"Cheers to another year that I may breathe. 

To remembering my life is a gift and I must live it to the fullest. 

Cheers!"

Happy New Years!

~~grb   12.31.13~~

(Image posted does not belong to me. Was tested to me--author unknown)

What it Could Have...

 In the quiet of the night

laying low, beneath the rubble,

I peek into the sky

and watch the mountain crumble.

It could have been the weather;

the raging of the storm..

It could have been the beauty,

The calmness keeping the norm.

It could have been...

Knocking down the trees

I'm running through my life

Tearing up the weeds

Until the cliff meets the sky.

Trying to catch myself

Before I fall over,

Into the water rising

the hit would keep me sober.

I could have fallen...

Pounding in my ears,

the mountain crumbles down

Pounding under my skin

Bringing out the sound..

The rocks jumping on the pavement

My heart beating through my chest.

The mountain falls around me

Laying me to rest.

I could have...

But I didn't. 

They say its all or nothing

You have to be all in

And the saying "get your cake and eat it too" 

Just slides on down my skin.

Maybe I like ice cream...

cake is just too thick

May I want to lick it

Cuz eating is to quick.

In the quiet of the night

laying low, beneath the rubble;

I peek into the sky

and watch the mountain crumble.

It could have been the weather;

the raging of the storm..

It could have been the beauty

The calmness keeping the norm. 

It could have been...

~~grb  11/28~~

Tick Tock

 

Popped the pills, drank the drink

Yet my mind just keeps me awake

Drifting through some worthless crap

that refuse to go away.

tick tock...i hear time pass

tick tock...pour another glass

tick tock...sleeping pill

tick tock...let time stand still...

By the time I fall asleep

The clock will wake me up.

By the time my eyes fall closed...

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

I lay here, tossing and turning

I lay here, my mind feels like it's burning

(tick tock..tick tock) 

No chance it will all go away

And damn!! I will still be awake.

Drifting through some worthless crap

That refuse to go away;

I popped the pills, drank the drink

And now I just can't stay awake.

~~grb  10/2013~~

Centerpiece

It was the centerpiece in my life

The heavy, but very much welcomed weight. 

Yet, I no longer linger on its existence

Or wish it to be mine again.

But I do sit with my good memories,

Remembering what I loved most.

Each day now, I awake to find it.

To find the one thing to make me feel complete.

I no longer feel I am lacking anything

As this feels like something I never had.

So now I linger...

I linger on something new,

Something that I don't even know....

My mind frees, my body relaxes,

I just want to feel it all.

It was the centerpiece of my life

It was everything I was and everything I had.

But like all centerpieces, it faded.

It dried up, aged, became different. 

I suppose I need a new one.....

~~grb  10/17/2013

The Invisible Weight

 Drunkenness of this life I breathe

Sometimes it's blurry to me.

Waking up gets harder

And falling asleep takes longer.

It's the roller coaster of life

The weight that no one sees

It's easy to say something positive

When another can't believe. 

It's the ups and downs that drag me

That sway me around the beating post

I  sit here feeling busted 

And beaten through my bones.

The bruising lies hidden

But I can feel it when I breathe

Perhaps I am doing my own damage

But it doesn't feel like me.

I scream to let it out

I cry where no one sees

I yell into my pillow

I drag it under me.

I carry it through shallow waters

And bury it in the sand

I leave it there and run away

But at my feet it stands.

I have tried to run away

I have tried ignorance being bliss

I have tried to laugh it away

I have tried to drown it in my kiss.

The thing is...it will never leave me

I just cannot get away. 

It's like an infection that just keeps spreading

and longs for me to stay. 

The days get darker

The nights get longer

The chill gets colder

And the weight gets heavier.

I'm exhausted. 

~~grb 7/13~~

(this picture does not belong to me. It was sent to me via mobile and I do not own the rights nor have the name of the artist to which it belongs) 

Cowardliness

It's quiet tonight in my head

I sit here just trying to feel more

my thoughts in my head are calm

but I am not calm nor I am content.

I go through the days one day at a time.

I try not to not let everything get to me

Most people call it strength

I call it cowardliness.

I try not to think the worst

Not to dwell on the unknown...

Not knowing all the facts.

But my head weighs heavy on my shoulders

and I just can't sleep. 

I stay positive, throw it under the rug

But there are nights like tonight

Where the rug is too small...

Nights that everything weighs heavy

It wears me down.

It's a night of wine and the outdoors,

front porch patio furniture 

with a glass and two bottles.

A night that is relaxing 

Yet very sad. 

The things in my head that weigh heavy

the things in my head I can't share

Some may say it is strength

I call it cowardliness.

~~grb  5/28/13

revised 06/15/13

Like a Waterfall

 Get up in the morning, 

Turn on the water.

Test the heat.

Remove your clothes.

Take that quick glimpse in the mirror....

Maybe it will be better after...

You test the water with your hand..

You step in and feel the heat

You place your body directly under the water...

It drips over your face....

down your chest...

down your body.

You open your mouth and take a little in.

You close your eyes, close your mouth, 

and just let the water flood all over you.

You stand with your hands against the wall,

stretched with one leg bent and the other straight.

you press against the wall...pushing like it is gonna push back.

Once you realize it is gonna hold you...

that it is not going anywhere,

the tears fall down your cheeks, your lips, your body.

The loudness of the water falling brings your voice...

The swift breaths in between the tears,

In between your body and the wall

keeps you from noticing that you have fallen to the ground.

It keeps you from noticing that you are curled in a ball.

The water pours down like a waterfall 

But not as much as the tears down your face.

You get up, turn off the water, grab your towel.

You step out, slowly drying your body...

You look in the mirror..

you should feel better...

you DO feel better.

No one even has to know. 

~~grb ~~

Signature

You see the hearts carved on to the trunk

The "Susie loves Johnny" or "Timmy loves Faye"

You see the "4-ever" and sometimes it's all crossed out.

It was an important tree that held their hearts.

Placing a pen in my hand

I stare at the paper

Was this the part of that tree?

The one of many with many carved hearts?

Or is this the part that the names were crossed out...

The heart that was broken

And the tree that was shredded?

It had to be.

I picked up my pen more than once

I stared at the paper thinking, "just sign"

I laid down the pen each time.

This was where Susie loved Johnny.

I could feel it.

It always sounded effortless

But feels too hard.

It was always coming 

but now that it is here.....

I remembered the cement being fresh

The sign that said "do not walk-wet cement"

I remember his and her names by his mom's front yard

And over the years it is still there

But they are no longer.

We didn't write in cement

We didn't write on a tree

But we signed on those papers

We signed over the hearts

Over the names that we could not see

It meant the world.

I picked up my pen more than once

I stared at the paper thinking, "just sign"

This was where the heart was crossed out

I could feel it.

~~grb  2013~~

Can't Fix It

 You

 can't make it right

You can't make it better

You can't fix the hole

and it keeps getting bigger. 

You know what is wrong

You can't make it right

You can't fill the darkness

When you can't find the light. 

You just can't.

Dropping like weeds

The flowers just die

Nothing is forever

Now that aint no lie

Closing my eyes

Doesn't mean its gone

Forgetting everything

Makes it more wrong.

I just can't fix it.

Engulfed in the flames

Of a well lit fire

No water to pour

No love undesired

Drench me in my blood

Of what could have been

Memories that linger

Capturing me within.

Sometimes I feel flattened

Sometimes I am numb

Sometimes I feel beaten

Sometimes I feel dumb

There are moments of truth

That perhaps I wish weren't

I am drinking down this bottle

So I don't feel the hurt.

~~grb~~ 

2013

I just can't fix it. 

Turn Down the Lights

Turn the lights down low

place the vinyl and play it slow

It's gonna be a long night tonight

So pour a drink and stay a while. 

Tell me Captain--do you go down well with ice?

Or maybe better straight?

Tell me Jack--do you prefer the bottle?

Or is it all the same?

Burying my soul under the ground

heart beat just slowing down

reality kicks in on it's own,

Skyy, help me fill the hole. 

So tell me, Jameson, can we do this all night?

Hey, Jäger, there is no need to fight.

So, José, what's the worm for?

Just shoot it back and bring me more.

Sitting here makes me think,

Stopping that by having another drink.

There will be no tears falling in my cup

Hey bartender, fill it up!  

It's a slow dance with a slow song...

hey, Patrón, let's take your platinum for a ride

Then let's get naked at the beach

And get wet in the tide

 

 Turn the lights down

In the bottom of the glass is where I drown

It's gonna be a long night tonight

So pour a drink and stick around. 

~~grb~~ 

 Feb 2013

 

 

 

Epiphany

the leaf fell and normally I would scoop it up

but today, i let it lay there.

perhaps it is not for me to pick it up everytime

or even mine to scoop for even a moment.

it wasn't just any leaf...

it was a leaf of years and years

something i found value in caring for

i looked forward to that one scoop....

but it is not mine anymore.

so every now and then

i will see it fall

i will smile, short memory

and walk on by.

i know that day must start soon,

but i sit here on the stoop

watching it move lightly in the wind

and i think...

it isn't moving for me

it is moving because of the wind...

so does that mean it was never really mine?

yes, and I have known that for years.

once there was a rose

a rose of years and years

something he made his.

once there was a petal of the rose

that fell to the ground,

it was his time to walk on by.

~~grb  2012~~

(picture does not belong to me...was sent to me via my cell phone with no tag.)

What it wasn't...

Tainted by lifeless needs

She dangled her hand across the swing

Her fear was not of loving again

but of never being able to love;

It was the ultimate block to her happiness.

She tiptoed through the grass

Testing it with each toe

She stepped down on each foot

to feel the pain enter though...

It bled red.

Sitting in the swing, she looked down

Wiping the blood gently, she shed a tear.

Not a tear of pain nor the chance of infection

The tear that fell was of one only...

The tear of fear..

Fear of never being able to love again...

The next blood drop,

The next walk in a cold park

The next visit to the moonlit beach

Who will warm the air?

Who will dry the blood?

She dangled her hand across the swing

Laying her head against the chain

Her fear wasn't of loving again...

~~grb  1/2013