SIGNS

I see him in my dreams

I know him in my head

I love him in my heart

I misunderstand him plenty of times

And hurt him more than I can count.

But I still see him in my dreams.

I felt him wipe my tears yet he wasn’t there.

I woke up to him holding me….but it was me.

My mind plays these tricks on me when I am all alone

It doesn’t really help me.

I turned to God on this…I asked him if what I was doing was right?

I waited, impatiently for the answer…but it never came….

I sat outside by myself watching the moon come up

And the sun go down…

I opened my book to page 21...of all pages.

I looked up and saw the moon as huge, orange and round as could be…..

I walked inside to get a drink, maybe turn on some music, and Collide came on.

After that, Chasing Cars came on…..coincidence?

I sat there longer just thinking…

I am so eager to be so right that maybe I have blinded myself….

Confused myself.

I went inside to change and out of nowhere rolls out this orangeish white marble…

I cried like I had seen the best romance movie ever.

I believe in signs….I believe once in a blue moon God actually answers you.

But how could I be so sure that’s what it was?

I sit here, writing this poem with confusion in my head

But no confusion in my heart….

Could I be ultimately wrong in all of this?

Grb 2011

What Will It Take?

The turn in my stomach

The weight on my chest,

The pain in my shoulder 

And the intensity in my neck.

My mind weighs heavy on me tonight

Always trying to do what is right.

Trying to feel good about each decision

Always attempting everything

With the intention that it won't be regretted.

My focus is lost;

My spirit is hibernating;

My smile is transparent

And my eyes seem fogged. 

Can't see what's in front of me;

Can't dream what sensualizes me

It's like I'm losing myself...

Mourning who I was..

Dieing to move forward.

grb 7/30/2011

One Answer

I awaited the answer to a question from long ago
I had asked our Lord a multitude of questions, 
But only one weighed heavy on my soul.

The wind blew and it felt as if a hand had brushed against my face.
I looked up and watched the clouds part so eloquently
And then the moon appeared, so bright and full.

A smile came across my face as I wasn’t sure if this was real
I grew up believing signs were everything.
I lost my faith years ago yet I still find myself praying…
Praying to someone I can never see, touch or hold.

Perhaps it was the answer and I am just not ready to hear it.
I am not sure what I was being told or how I am to find it out.
I feel my prayers are unanswered and that my questions are unheard.
But perhaps I just don’t listen well.

I still await the answer…I still await another wave of winds to touch me.
I sit here, on the beach, feeling the sand between my toes,
And hear the water calling to me…
Yet the heaviness weighing on my shoulders, my heart, my soul...
It’s dragging me under the tide.

--grb—7/2011

Missing Space

Slowly turning, spinning in circles

The sky keeps coming down

The clouds seem heavy on my back

The days keep me bound

Darkness covers the endless sky

And all I can feel is a missing space

Emptiness in a spot once so full

My mind becomes this endless abyss of thoughts

Of dreams that will and some that won’t come true.

As the candle dims, I wonder where my angel is…

I wonder where my perfect contentment in my life has gone

And why I suddenly feel the abandonment of my own soul.

An ageless worry that runs the path of the longest road in my mind

Destined to the blackened river of endless tears

And flowing through the beautiful light of one’s beautiful eyes.

I close my eyes and fall onto my back

Draining out all the sounds that cause so much confusion

Forget to breathe, forget to see, forget everything

Lay here, on the ground….facing the world ….

I close my eyes, and sigh.

Grb

7/11

To Change My Ways

I fell years ago…I fell into something I didn’t want…didn’t need

I fell into a place I shouldn’t have asked for trying to find who I was.

I don’t know where I was going, I didn’t even know then.

I didn’t know who I would become…and I am learning now.

I stumbled upon myself a year ago and my feet were knocked off the ground.

My world was transformed into something I didn’t want…just didn’t want.

I sit here, feeling everything but seeing little through this fog

I sit here and can’t remember the last time I could breathe….

Really breathe and feel okay.

But am I okay or just wanting it so bad that I believe I am?

My focus is off; my heart physically hurts at times

My mind is driven to do…nothing…ever

I can place the metaphors to confuse you,

I could write about flowers and butterflies;

About the beauty of the birds and the bees...

The blue skies and desolate hills; but it wouldn’t be real.

I stepped off the cliff months ago…making life changing decisions…

It’s not a want, it was the need…the need to not fall back into the pattern

It is said that if you want a different outcome, you must choose differently,

I did not fall this time…I believe I stepped back…took a look…and stepped forward

I just couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw.

But with that, I had forgotten to leave the pain, the heartache, those who hurt me and will hurt me more.

I kept it, wore it, drank it, and became it….but never left it behind.

Perhaps a lesson to learn…but I will deal and will find my way back to my heart.

--grb----2011