Massochist

The darkness can be the safest place.

The constant reminder that in some way, we are all blind.

Trying to live life, but how?

If you can't pull away from the fear and pain?

What is living when your heart bleeds

from the darkness surrounding your soul?

The darkness that fills your eyes and devours your mind?

I walked the stone steps and sat at the top.

I looked down on the life I live

and wonder....

"Who is that? Where did she go, the one I recognize?"

Long, endless nights of laying here breathing.

I am aching to not feel pain but I need it...

I need it to remind me that I am alive.

Feeling devalued and unnoticed,

I lay here wondering if I should make the leap

Make the leap in hopes to get something to feel more.

I don't recognize this face looking back at me...

Could it be the mirror?

Slowly cut the first layer...let the blood flow...

Slight pain but I have been through worse.

A short period of pain on the flesh is nothing

compared to a lifetime of pain in your heart.

But seeing the blood is a reminder of life...

I fall back into this darkness I now call safety.

Desolate, cold but comfortable....safe.

I can hear but can not see the scary.

I feel a sense of belonging and am awkwardly comfortable.

The strength I have felt before disintegrates

Into the uneasiness of never being happy.

It's a sick game he plays with your life...

Just when you have it all... he takes it away.

Falling into the same patterns...

Every day feels like a struggle to move...

A struggle to breathe without the tears to follow.

Yet no physical tears track down my cheeks.

It's all dry and burning my insides like acid.

I will just bleed a little more...

Take each cut a little deeper...

Feel my life around me...

~~grb 2017

Just leave

The constant thoughts, the endless dreams;

it's everything that is in between.

The tossing, turning and the endless nights

inside myself, I can no longer fight.

I sit up, sit down, lie down still

Take a sip and swallow the pill.

Feeling the stress of a metaphorical weight  

Punching through the need to stay.

Sometimes I try to hate you more than hell

But I just love you so much still.

Sometimes I want to punch your handsome face

Sometimes I just want to walk away. 

I don't want to think about you anymore.

I want to run as far as I can go. 

Hear me, what I am trying to say.

I no longer wish for you to stay. 

I can't do this anymore. 

My chest pounds so hard, it's sore.

I can't keep breathing your life in

over and over and over again. 

I stared down at my cold, small hands.

When did I forget who I am?

I went against the one thing I said I would never do...

I lost myself in loving you. 

I am suppose to be waiting for this train.

Not sure where it is going or if its coming back again.

I have this constant song in my head

Loud enough to wake the dead...

It plays for you and me. 

Nothing has been what is suppose to be...

Nor is anything what it seems. 

I heard you say goodbye and so I walked away.

I told you that I loved you but you never asked me to stay.

I don't want to think about you anymore.

I want to run as far as I can go. 

Hear me, what I am trying to say.

I no longer wish for you to stay. 

~~grb 1/29/17

From Before

Its the way it ripples over my hand 

Touching so gently as it passes through

And the feel of the wind that makes it unforgettable. 

The moon paints the water like only an artist can do, 

And outlines the ocean with its magnificent light. 

I can see his face so clear

as if I could reach into the water and pull him out. 

Closing my eyes, I can feel all around me: 

The stars' warmth, the waters' fear and the sands' need to travel. 

I could only wish to feel more alive..

And oh how long it has been!

~~grb 6/7/2014 @6:46 am and completed on 6/7/2015 @6:48am. 

Trying

The night crawls over me and it's almost unbearable.

I toss and turn trying to rid the visions out of my head.

I see your face and feel your hand on mine...

it's haunting. 

The days get colder and the nights feel empty.

Moving forward seems almost impossible 

As I stand on the edge of the cliff.

Closing my eyes, I feel almost free.

Every day I try to find it...

The reason I wake up...

The reason to open my eyes

And move on with my day.

People are around me everywhere

And feeling alone should be almost impossible but it isn't.

I find my smile and a bit of my spirit

But nothing is real behind my eyes. 

I can't forget how I had it all.

I finally had everything I have been needing and wanting

but now my anger finds me in full force.

I had you...

And now you are gone.

 I need you but you are no longer here.

You were taken from me so unfairly.

And now my tears fall and I can't catch them.

I am picking up the pieces

but they are missing a huge part...

you.

~~grb 11/12/16

To Dwain with all my love, I miss you handsome.

In the Rain

It's in the song, flying off each note;

It's in every moment that you are alone in your head.

It's in the words coming off their lips...

You pretend to see through them...

But you see and feel it all over again.

Strength seemed easier a year ago

Hope seemed possible.

Faith was just another thing..

Another thing that never helped.

The emotions run deep and heavy

But you choke them back..

Choke on the tears and smile.

You are suffocating by everything that isn't 

And drowning in all that everything else is.

You say nothing because they won't understand.

They try, and they get tired so they move on.

But standing alone in the rain is where they leave you.

You could have been surrounded and still be so alone.

You missed it by miles and hours.

You close your eyes to relax..

The wind in your hair

and the rain on your face...

You hear them say they are there for you..

You remember them being there once.

You sit in the dark and hear each note..

They always say you aren't...

but you are alone.

~~grb 6/5/16

 

Dismissive

Unworthy of consideration...

Transparent in ones' thoughts.

Predictable in your reaction

But hopeless in your mind.

You scurry through your life

Believing everything will get better.

And maybe just this once it wasn't your fault.

You lay out everything in your mind

as if your laying out your church clothes..

Everything has to be in order

Nothing can be missed. 

Dismissive...

They look at you as if you were Eden;

Like a sacred fruit they dare to try.

You finding everyone's beauty 

Becomes the fault where ugliness lies. 

You find you were important for half second.

They always move on.

Transparent...

It's evident that you are there

But they begin to look through you.

You become weak when you trust first

but you will never change that.

They walk through walls in your mind

Because the pain you feel they can't even see.

You decline help or restitution

Because your walls are always up. 

Predictable...

They know you will take two steps and then stop

They know that only half your food will be eaten

And that the four books started will never be finished.

They know you show up early and always leave late.

You are predictable..and they feed off of it.

Dismissive, Transparent, Predictable...

You know you will never change.

They will come and go as years go by

And you will disappear from their thoughts.

In time noone will remember how passionate you were

How amazing you could love and be loved

They will forget that you had pain that noone else could feel

That the tears behind your eyes were anything but transparent.

Don't dismiss me.

Please see me.

Help me make the same two steps.

Now step back...

Unworthy of consideration,  your heart slowly stops.

Transparent to the ones who mattered...they clearly did not. 

Predictable in the life you live and the steps you take...

Do not dismiss me. 

I am a cannon ball..

I can be deadly and I will not break.

~~grb 04/28/16

"When noone notices, I will be right there."-grb

Two steps back...

It was a breeze of the wind that came over me

And with a chill down my spine, goosebumps appeared.

I knew what I was doing but I just couldn't breathe.

It was only 10 more steps and then...I would be free.

It was a chain reaction to one thing I had done

or perhaps one thing I could not let go.

I find myself in predicaments that could destroy my character

I have been called a lot of things, but self-destructive has always set true.

Let's break this down...

I carry myself with pride

Self-esteem pouring out 

My confidence held high

but my mind wonders about.

I trash my spirit wondering

why others always leave

Depending on another 

Wondering why I can't breathe. 

To ease the pain and slow the tears

I grab the glass half full 

It isn't what you think..

It's half full of vodka, ready to go.

I put myself in situations

where I just lose control.

Living in the moment

isn't always the way to go.

Take two steps back for every step forward

That's how it always seems to be.

They say love big and dream bigger

But the dreams never become reality. 

It was the breeze in the wind that came over me

like a bulldozer tearing down a building.

A chain reaction to something I had tried to let go;

I knew what I was doing but I went with the flow...

~~grb