Massochist

The darkness can be the safest place.

The constant reminder that in some way, we are all blind.

Trying to live life, but how?

If you can't pull away from the fear and pain?

What is living when your heart bleeds

from the darkness surrounding your soul?

The darkness that fills your eyes and devours your mind?

I walked the stone steps and sat at the top.

I looked down on the life I live

and wonder....

"Who is that? Where did she go, the one I recognize?"

Long, endless nights of laying here breathing.

I am aching to not feel pain but I need it...

I need it to remind me that I am alive.

Feeling devalued and unnoticed,

I lay here wondering if I should make the leap

Make the leap in hopes to get something to feel more.

I don't recognize this face looking back at me...

Could it be the mirror?

Slowly cut the first layer...let the blood flow...

Slight pain but I have been through worse.

A short period of pain on the flesh is nothing

compared to a lifetime of pain in your heart.

But seeing the blood is a reminder of life...

I fall back into this darkness I now call safety.

Desolate, cold but comfortable....safe.

I can hear but can not see the scary.

I feel a sense of belonging and am awkwardly comfortable.

The strength I have felt before disintegrates

Into the uneasiness of never being happy.

It's a sick game he plays with your life...

Just when you have it all... he takes it away.

Falling into the same patterns...

Every day feels like a struggle to move...

A struggle to breathe without the tears to follow.

Yet no physical tears track down my cheeks.

It's all dry and burning my insides like acid.

I will just bleed a little more...

Take each cut a little deeper...

Feel my life around me...

~~grb 2017