In the Patterns

The patterns on the window shield me from the light.

I gazed upon the window pane and prayed for it to be night.

Each piece of the little artwork carried pain deep in my soul;

Each tiny little marking would never let me go.

As I pack up some of my belongings

And box up some of his. 

I stare back at the window

To see what will come of this. 

I had buried myself in the shadows trying to figure out what to do.

I had hid my heart in the darkness and acted like I knew

That the past lies in the patterns that lay upon the glass;

One tiny rock could shatter every ounce of the forbidden past. 

I never pretended to notice that the outlines were made in blood

And that every part of the shading was life just covered up.

I never thought the ending could ever be so clear

Until I noticed the shadows holding all my fear.

The patterns on  the window shielded me from the light;

And gazing upon the distant moon, I failed in my fight. 

Each piece of the little artwork that laid deep in my soul

With every tiny making that would never let me go.

~~grb  4/13/16

Trying to move forward

The quiet surrounds me as I sit here.

I don't remember the last time I felt this calm. 

I feel him with me though I can't see him

And closing my eyes, he engolfs me in his warmth. 

I have spent nights crying and days pretending 

That I was gonna be okay. 

Then I wake this morning to the birds and the sun

And realize it doesn't matter if I am okay. 

You see, I'm alive. 

That is the gift we are given when our loved ones

Are taken from us. 

Whether we like it or not, 

We still breathe in their absence. 

We are told when we are young that we have choices. 

We are not informed how limited our choices really are. 

I choose to keep him...

I choose to be dancing in the rain with him. 

I choose...

So you see, it doesn't matter my choice 

Nor does it matter if I'm okay. 

All that matters is that I stay breathing

Continuing to miss him everyday. 

~~grb 3/2016~~
(This picture was taken in 2015 in Disney World by Dwain Harris)

Like a punch in the face

It's like a punch in the face

With blood vessels exploding

Filling that space 

Where emptiness is imploding.

It's tearing me down 

And destroying the flower

That bloomed with a smile

But died by the hour.

The feel of the hit is of nothing that mattered; 

It was the fist to face contact that left me staggered

And pushing down people as I went by

Not caring, not feeling... Like a lifeless high. 

Boiling blood under skin that stays scarred

His face is remembered but his voice is to hard

To hear in the background of the voices in my head

To know what he is saying as his tears are shed. 

He is a ghost with a mission that just isn't me

He has come to terms with staying for eternity

Though my heart is pumping, my body is jumping

In circles around what should have been him...

It's a hand to the chin that he delicately held 

With no question, no motive, just all that he felt. 

He left this world with his heart filled with calmness

Leaving the anger to fester in my heart's fondness

Of the life that he kept and the dreams that he shared.

I stare at that water with 4 years worth of fear. 

Taunting me, stabbing me, watching me fall 

Like a delicate flower thrown over the wall. 

It's like a punch in the face while my head is held firm

The pain to my neck was a terrible burn 

Down my spine that he touched and life that he loved...

Missing his hand in my hand and his lips upon mine

I wake to my heart thumping way out of line

Like something had grabbed it and pulled it with pain

I close my eyes just to feel it again. 

~~grb 3/1/16

Walking Time Bomb

 

I tried to hold the water

but it kept slipping through my hand.

I tried to laugh and smile

but I can no longer pretend.

My heart is freezing up

My emotions are out of control...

My body is a zombie  

And my anger consumes my soul.

I am a walking time bomb

Whose clock is winding down.

I don't know how much more I can take

before I blow this town.

I sit here on my porch

wasting time that could be spent

living life and dreaming

yet I can't get off the bench.

My body is just dragging

and I'm pulling it along;

my brain can barely handle 

the weight of playing strong. 

I close my eyes to see you

And I crumble to the floor!

I can never call you,

Never hear you on the other side of the phone.

I lay here in my closet

where the walls make me feel safe

My tears are falling silently

but nothing fills that empty space.

My anger starts to boil

I can feel it burn under my skin 

And I just want to scream and punch

every single thing. 

I am a walking time bomb

Whose clock is winding down

I don't know how much more I can take

before I blow this town.

 

~~grb  2/25/2016

Rest your soul

I am suppose to say goodbye today 

And lay your soul to rest.

I am suppose to dance and laugh today 

But I may fail the test. 

I am suppose to smile and remember you

With all the good memories in our past

And move forward through the day

Forgetting that my heart is very sad.  

All these things I am suppose to do

Because that is what you asked for 

But all I really want to do 

Is cry here on my closet floor. 

I am suppose to say goodbye to you 

And lay your soul to rest.

But my heart is broken and very lost

because you were the very best. 

~~grb. 2/21/2017~~ 

The Color Blue

I dare to say, I had this dream, but more a flashback there of you. 

You were almost asleep, your body hurt 

but you  wanted to discuss the color blue...

I feel the color blue is warmth

That resonated from your beautiful eyes. 

It's the color of the sky 

That warmed your heart 

And made you smile. 

It is the color of the ocean

That we travelled through to see

the amazing island, Castaway Cay,  

as you loved everything Disney. 

It is your hand holding mine

Your heart beating in your chest 

It is the laughter that you had 

When your mind was thinking its best. 

I can go all day discussing 

what I feel is the color blue

I know you wanted to discuss it, 

But baby,  It is best described as you. 

~~grb. 2016

Sent from my iPhone

I miss him

the little things are missing

i can feel them coming for me

the memories of life and love...

So alive deep in his eyes.

I will never catch up to him..

Somewhere in his mind he is doing it..

Doing everything on his own

His body can't move much in reality

But he is 5 steps ahead of me in his head.

Overpowering are his eyes

Comforting were once his arms...

Now I touch him and it hurts him.

His embrace was always so strong..

He always held tight and made me feel safe...

I miss his touch,

His kiss, his words.

I miss his hugs, his laughter,

His random thoughts..

I miss his love.

If you look deep enough in his eyes

you will see him running...

running on the beach as free as a bird.

I want to be with him in his head

Where I can hold his hand, touch his face

Hear his heartbeat as I lay my head on his chest.  

I miss him more when I am with him

But to be with him, I wouldn't change a thing.

~~grb   1/25/16~~ 

To DWH