To Change My Ways

I fell years ago…I fell into something I didn’t want…didn’t need

I fell into a place I shouldn’t have asked for trying to find who I was.

I don’t know where I was going, I didn’t even know then.

I didn’t know who I would become…and I am learning now.

I stumbled upon myself a year ago and my feet were knocked off the ground.

My world was transformed into something I didn’t want…just didn’t want.

I sit here, feeling everything but seeing little through this fog

I sit here and can’t remember the last time I could breathe….

Really breathe and feel okay.

But am I okay or just wanting it so bad that I believe I am?

My focus is off; my heart physically hurts at times

My mind is driven to do…nothing…ever

I can place the metaphors to confuse you,

I could write about flowers and butterflies;

About the beauty of the birds and the bees...

The blue skies and desolate hills; but it wouldn’t be real.

I stepped off the cliff months ago…making life changing decisions…

It’s not a want, it was the need…the need to not fall back into the pattern

It is said that if you want a different outcome, you must choose differently,

I did not fall this time…I believe I stepped back…took a look…and stepped forward

I just couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw.

But with that, I had forgotten to leave the pain, the heartache, those who hurt me and will hurt me more.

I kept it, wore it, drank it, and became it….but never left it behind.

Perhaps a lesson to learn…but I will deal and will find my way back to my heart.

--grb----2011